Sound Familiar? Every guy has heard it, every woman has said it

From The Onion

But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them

I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?

I knew you would understand. You always do.

We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.

It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.

No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.

Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.

Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.

Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.

Best friends. Friends forever.

Driving on Empty

I'm on my way to have inner with the family, driving on I-75 for what feels like the millionth time. I feel like something's missing, like something's wrong about the drive, but I don't know what.

It's not like it would be much different in any other car, unless it was something radical, or a convertible.

Maybe it's where I'm driving? Just going to The Cheesecake Fatory to celebrate my brother's birthday, which is special but not life changing for anyone.

Could it just be that I'm going by myself? Just another life event that I have no one to share with?

Or maybe I'm just hungry. Hard to say.

Crazy Morning of Dreams

I fell asleep early last night, and then woke up around 3:30 am. Instead of going right back to sleep, I decided to watch a couple DVRed shows (The Bob & Tom Show and an episode of NCIS), watched a little ESPN, and then tried to fall back asleep.

And then the fun began!

In my first dream I met up with a pretty girl at a lake, where we got on a weird little jet ski type thing that had one seat and basically a place for another person in the back to stand and hold on. I could also steer from back there just from shifting my weight, it was pretty damn fun. Anyway, she steers us towards the back of docked boat, specifically towards a little ramp on the back right. She rides it up into the body of the boat and down the hallway. I realize the boat is much larger than what I could see from the outside. In fact, it connected to a tunnel that led to an underground room.

Her mother was inside the room waiting for us, introducing herself and saying she had been looking forward to meeting me. I think her father walked in started talking to me and the "camera" pulled out to show that the room was just just part of a HUGE underwater facility, kind of like the underground ones in the Resident Evil movies, and one of the "rooms" was actually a big monster. That didn't make any sense, but I knew it was a dream, so oh well.

When the "camera" went back in my head, the parents were gone and the girl and I were getting intimate. I look to my right and there sitting next to us is Mia, looking totally disinterested. I ask her to join, she ignores me. I say "come on, I know this is a dream, you can't turn me down in my dream!" and still nothing.

I woke up out of frustration.

Well, I was only half awake, I went right back to sleep and into another dream, and then another, and another. I had four or five different ones, most of which have faded away by now (aside from the fact that they kept getting weirder and weirder), but not the last one.

I was in some facility surrounded by a bunch of friends I grew up with. I don't know what kind it was, but it wasn't underwater or anything, I could see that it was raining outside. At the beginning of the dream, one of my friends, that was kind of a troublemaker when he was growing up, was wearing a white suit like from Miami Vice, getting questioned by a short security guard about holding drugs because he had a couple of packages he was going to ship out. At that point, my reaction was to think he's still getting himself in trouble. I can't remember what happened for the next 5 or 10 minutes, but we went back to the same area and the security guard went from questioning him to searching him, while a video or something was playing saying that drugs were no longer illegal. This time I was irate, yelling that my friend has been assumed guilty since elementary school as the security guard quietly finished his search and walked away. Moments later he re-appeared with an automatic handgun and open fired on the room. I ran but took some rounds in the chest and fell down.

That's when I woke up and decided not to go back to sleep.

So this morning started with Mia shooting me down in a secret underwater research facility, and ended with getting shot.

Testing Out Justin.TV

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2:17 am...

And I'm still awake, waiting for inspiration. From something or someone, I don't know what or who. To do something, I don't know what. I just feel like if I stay awake a little bit longer, something will happen to inspire me to do something that makes my life better. It never happens, but I'm still up past midnight every night for the same reason, it seems.

Twenty Five Things

RULES: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.
(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs (+) on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1) My first memory is of the first word I read aloud: Goodyear. It was on a tire store on Salem Road in Trotwood that no longer exists. PS I was very excited to get high-end Goodyear tires on my current car

2) I'm TERRIBLE with money.

3) I've never drank alcohol, and have no desire to.

4) I have lots of friends, but only one I might really consider close right now.

5) I've only hung out with my best friend in person about 10 calendar days in the 7 or 8 years I've known her.

6) I'm a 27 year old virgin, and not really that embarrassed by it until people decide to make a big deal out of it.

7) I almost died when I was first born, but have not had a major illness or injury since.

8) I didn't graduate from college, and probably won't go back to finish.

9) I love Corvettes, and have made many decisions in my life based on buying one "in the next couple of years." As you may have guessed, that hasn't happened yet.

10) I didn't really care about the Bengals until 2001, but I feel that being a fan during the 2002 2-14 season is enough to overlook any "fair weather fan" accusations.

11) I am unable to truly accept the size of the divide between the relationship between best friends and that of boyfriend/girlfriend.

12) I am a techgeek that wants to be bleeding edge with everything.

13) I miss late 90s CART racing.

14) I'm on 5 or 6 dating sites at least.

15) I don't dance because all I ever want to do while dancing is act like a fool in 5 second spurts.

16) I love long, thick dark hair on women.

17) I greatly prefer cars with manual transmissions.

18) I really like Italian food, cars, motorcycles and women (just started a DVRd Everyday Italian, 2 out of 4 in HD!)

19) I've had three friends who, sometime after meeting them, became strippers.

20) I used to play trombone. I'm sure I could pick it up right now and play something, but I never do.

21) I've gone through periods of watching ESPN, G4, NFL Network and HGTV almost exclusively.

22) I get far too much enjoyment out of making complex Excel spreadsheets.

23) I love playing racing games, especially when they have Corvettes that you can put body kits and custom paint jobs on.

24) I have incredibly weak will power.

25) I sometimes have what I think are mini-panic attacks about my own mortality and the inevitability of death.

What can I say, I'm a lucky guy

Got this letter today at work, informing me that I've won a one-hour, all-you-can-eat wing party for 20 people at the Hooters in Dayton. Who wants to come?

Will I Really Know?

The common conception/saying/delusion is that, when you meet the right person, you'll know. Something will click. and you'll just know that they're a special person that you can be happy with.

But what happens when you get false clicks? Not just once, more like 3 or 4 times over the last 10 years. The women have ended up being really good friends, but it never clicked for them, and the farther along I got in the friendships the less I realized that falseness of the click, and it seems like after a meteoric rise, we plateau rather quickly and then fall back down somewhat dramatically as we both realize how far apart our goals actually are (ie I have one, they have none).

I'm jealous of those eHarmony commercials. They're introduced to someone, spend hours talking to them on the phone the first few nights and it's the beginning of a beautiful thing. In my case it seems more like false hope anymore than an actual indication of future happiness.

In all reality, though, it's probably just a result of my personality and flaws. Make a good first, second and third impression, but then they find out who I really am, and it's damn sure not relationship material, but still worth a laugh now and then. I'm like a duck-billed platypus or something, interesting and intriguing the first time you see it, but with the sheen of newness and uniqueness gone, just another goofy looking whatchamacallit.

Christina has great taste in gift hats

It's beautiferous, one of the stretch fit ones, and impossible to find in the Eastern Time Zone.

Too bad the head model is, uh, lacking in the "look like a model" category.

A couple American versions of Sofia Vergara

Christina Hendricks brings the redhead power

Kim Kardashian and her fantastically beautiful long black hair

And if you like these ladies, you'll probably find someone else you like here! Sign up for free.